Chima! Chima o! I hear mummy's voice sounding like she is calling from three blocks away, faint and hollow, or is it just me? I drag myself off my bed from the room that has provided a form of solace and comfort from the world beyond. "Chima, you want me to shout my lungs sore abi! I have been calling you, later you will say you didn't hear". I greeted, "why do u look like you were pounded in your sleep? You have been looking like this since you came back from school" Only if she knew. "You will have to sweep round the compound today, you know your sister is preparing for her jamb and I want her to pass and go to the university like you", she beamed a smile at me. Only if she knew.
I pick up the longer of the two brooms and began to sweep the compound mechanically, sweeping away the fallen leaves from the guava tree at the front of the house. I remember Father sitting on his favourite rocking chair "Chima my son, you know you are my only son, my joy and my pride, you have to make me proud, you are going to go to the university and become a medical doctor and bring development to this community" he will say often. Now Father is no more and I feel like a failure, life has dealt me a heavy blow, I feel trapped, like my life is being taken away from me in bits, I feel hollow, empty, I feel a heart wrenching pain. Can't anyone see that I am dying? I thought to no one in particular. Tears well up in my eyes. "Men don't cry, we are strong, we do not behave like sissies, we face life head on" Uncle Maxwell said to me during Father's Funeral when he saw a tear drop from my eye.
5Hours later...
Amara is yet to get back from Jamb Lessons. Mummy is at her shop. The house feels empty just like me. She says she is going to buy me some drugs because she thinks I'm coming down with malaria. Only if she knew.
My pain seems to have doubled, as memories come rushing back to me, I feel like I'm drowning, flailing helplessly, thoughts come rushing "Depressed Kwa, that is just another story the whites are trying to use to keep us under subjection, black people don't get depressed. Just come to church regularly o", Mrs Chimezie said when I tried to confide in her about my feelings. There will be no next session for me as I am a failure, a disgrace to the family, unworthy of love, how do I tell mummy I have been asked to withdraw from the college, what will she say to her friends when they come asking about "our Doctor" like they will always call me. I need to put myself out of this mystery, someone once said there is peace and quiet on the other side.
I stagger into mummy's room, lying on her bed is her satchet of Plaquenin, like it's calling on to me. I take all the tablets and toss the empty satchet underneath her bed.
This should be painless, as I pull my blanket properly over myself and allow myself float. At least she will receive sympathy and pity rather than scornful look and sneers from having a failure as a son. This is really peaceful, I say to no one in particular as I drift, surely to the other side.
